gold medals

i think we all want to believe there is some inherent order and goodness to the world. that no part of our struggle--individually or collectively--is meaningless. i think i often look at the world in terms of fairness and balance. often i can see how something terrible can lead into something good---for one person or for a group of people. how suffering can inspire change, new directions, new hope.

i remember when i was younger--maybe pre-teen or so--i watched the olympics one year. they always give all the backstories on the competitors, well the americans anyway. before they got up to skate or do their routine on the bars they'd play some music and tell these often really sad stories: someone recently losing a family member, some kind of accident that got them off track for a while, something really heartbreaking and hard. i remember i would always be hoping the winner would be whoever had the most obstacles to overcome. as if them getting the gold medal somehow tipped the scales back, and brought whatever the tragedy was into a light where things made sense. i would sit there very tense while they competed -'don't let them fall, don't let them fall' i'd say to some unidentified higher power as they did an axle and everyone held their breath. i know they always built up everyone's personal story so we would be more interested in watching how the games turned out. it really worked for me. i wanted to make sure these people--often young, my age or not much older--would have some sort of 'reward' in a way to all their suffering...it brought me comfort when they would win, and be crying and smiling and looking like all was right again.

i find myself thinking about this now and wondering what my stance is on pain, suffering, hard times, and if i still believe there is some sort of universal scale that is capable of achieving any equilibrium. this past year has really left me feeling like i no longer know.

i guess i always thought that a lot in my family didn't work out so well---especially on the dad side of things. i never had much of a relationship with my dad, never trusted him or knew him, or felt loved by him, and my first stepdad, whom i loved to pieces, couldn't be in my life for more than a few years and left me with a lot of sadness i still struggle not to carry anymore. some part of me has made sense of this, of not having a dad, and not having much other family involved in my life either--by the fact that my mom's always been so around, so dependable, and managed to do the job of 2 parents or more. i felt like that is what i got, an extra great mom and it made up for any lack of dad in my life.

right now it looks like she is going to be leaving me. of course it's not that simple, but leaving the world i live in. i feel really hurt, and mad, and it comes out sometimes as being mad at her, and everyone involved in her care up to this point-my total frustrations with the medical system, my current stepdad, everything...but mostly i feel like i am mad at life, the universe, the order of things. the same system i used to be able to find comfort in or turn to. because no matter how i look at the situation, it isn't fair. not only in the way i am involved but to her, to all the people that love her a lot, to her other adopted kid---a good friend of mine who sometimes calls my mom 'mom' as well--who lost their own mom at 10 years old---i can't help but feel like 'there is no justice in this' and like there is nothing that could come later that would set things right again. no perfect landing, no gold medal, nothing that would somehow make me trust there is some sort of system you can count on--that things will never be too hard without being good again.

i want to believe in the goodness of life. it helps when there is lots of this pain and darkness in my life or others. so many things come in opposing pairs--winter/summer, daytime/ nightime--and there is a rhythm to it. i don't know if i am looking too closely to see it or if the rules that apply to nature don't carry over for us when it comes to our hearts. maybe i am looking for a pendulum that swings side to side, that if you watch long enough you can know when it will come back again. maybe i just can't see it right now or maybe it just swings wherever it wants, not concerned with the same sense of balance or fairness i am