it feels like you've gone on some kind of vacation and i am waiting for you to come home. that is how i feel. like you are gone and i'm not sure exactly where you are but you will be returning...
i keep having these dreams where it hasn't happened yet---you are not well, but you are still here. in the dream i am aware of time passing, of there not being much of it left, but you are still here. i wake up confused of the hour and the day and which part of my life is me dreaming and which is me awake.
it doesn't seem real. nothing feels very real right now. maybe this is me in denial. maybe this is how it always is and i have access to seeing it right now--seeing through reality.
when i think about the idea of never hugging you again i feel like there is this huge hole inside my chest. like the whole grand canyon lives there in my body. you can't see the bottom standing on the top, you can't tell how deep it really is. drop something in and listen really closely for it to land and guess how far down it goes.
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