10-29-08 are you taking good care of yourself?

yesterday i made myself french toast--something my mom would make for me. even when i was vegan, she found a recipe for vegan french toast and made that for me. mine turned out pretty terribly, but i reheat it for breakfast today.

i decide to use up a bag of oranges i've had for a while and try juicing them along with some cut pineapple my stepdad sent me home with after our dinner 2 nights ago.
i have this new appliance--the magic bullet--that does everything. my mom would say 'it sews its own clothes'
she bought it for me. she ordered it off of a late night infomercial. for much of this past year she has spent a lot of late night hours awake, and i guess one of those nights her dad was up with her, and she got him to order 2 of them--one for her and eric's house, and one for me. i'm halfway through juicing these things and it hits me---she wanted me to have this because it can potentially do everything for me, in a hurry at that. she ordered it in september, it had been sitting unopened under the kitchen table. i thought it was an empty box.
'you should take that with you today' she tells me one day. 'what is it?' i ask
at first i thought it was funny and one of those things she shouldn't be spending her money on. over the past year she made a lot of unnecessary or exaggerated purchases; things were very confused in her brain. buying things more than once, or things she didn't really need or too many gifts for people---lots of giftbuying.
it's not until i am here alone in this kitchen that i see how useful it really is--something simple that can help me make things for myself. 'magic bullet 10 second recipes' is the name of the cookbook it comes with.

i feel overwhelmed with missing her and sit on the floor and hold myself for a minute. i look up and see the microwave, the toaster--both of which she bought last fall, before i was living at this house. i thought them to be unnecessary---i was staying with her and eric, why did i need my own microwave or toaster? i realize how much i got to doubting her judgment as she got more and more confused. i didn't know then i would be staying on my own and making food for myself in this kitchen. it feels now like she knew that she wouldn't be here for me, but that she could leave me with things--in this case simple appliances--to help me to care for myself.

'are you taking good care of yourself?' this is a popular question i've been asked so much over the past year.

'trying to' is what i usually say. i know that my mom wants me to.