i am looking for you everywhere.
i go back to the house where you were just living, and there are all these things that are yours, exactly where they a week ago when you were here. i find a bracelet you were wearing everyday, and it looks so empty to me. the space inside of it where your wrist belongs. i don't know why this small object is what gets me. that empty space feels bigger than the whole room i'm in.
i see it sitting on the table next to the chair that had been your bed. i don't know when it got taken off of you. i put it on my wrist. i'm terrible with jewelry, i pull things off of me without knowing it, but i want to keep this close. it seemed to bring you comfort. when you misplaced it, i ordered you another one. it's a mandala meditation bracelet, smells of cedar. i don't know how you decided on it to wear for the past several months but i don't want it to just sit on this table, looking so empty inside.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
10-29-08 are you taking good care of yourself?
yesterday i made myself french toast--something my mom would make for me. even when i was vegan, she found a recipe for vegan french toast and made that for me. mine turned out pretty terribly, but i reheat it for breakfast today.
i decide to use up a bag of oranges i've had for a while and try juicing them along with some cut pineapple my stepdad sent me home with after our dinner 2 nights ago.
i have this new appliance--the magic bullet--that does everything. my mom would say 'it sews its own clothes'
she bought it for me. she ordered it off of a late night infomercial. for much of this past year she has spent a lot of late night hours awake, and i guess one of those nights her dad was up with her, and she got him to order 2 of them--one for her and eric's house, and one for me. i'm halfway through juicing these things and it hits me---she wanted me to have this because it can potentially do everything for me, in a hurry at that. she ordered it in september, it had been sitting unopened under the kitchen table. i thought it was an empty box.
'you should take that with you today' she tells me one day. 'what is it?' i ask
at first i thought it was funny and one of those things she shouldn't be spending her money on. over the past year she made a lot of unnecessary or exaggerated purchases; things were very confused in her brain. buying things more than once, or things she didn't really need or too many gifts for people---lots of giftbuying.
it's not until i am here alone in this kitchen that i see how useful it really is--something simple that can help me make things for myself. 'magic bullet 10 second recipes' is the name of the cookbook it comes with.
i feel overwhelmed with missing her and sit on the floor and hold myself for a minute. i look up and see the microwave, the toaster--both of which she bought last fall, before i was living at this house. i thought them to be unnecessary---i was staying with her and eric, why did i need my own microwave or toaster? i realize how much i got to doubting her judgment as she got more and more confused. i didn't know then i would be staying on my own and making food for myself in this kitchen. it feels now like she knew that she wouldn't be here for me, but that she could leave me with things--in this case simple appliances--to help me to care for myself.
'are you taking good care of yourself?' this is a popular question i've been asked so much over the past year.
'trying to' is what i usually say. i know that my mom wants me to.
i decide to use up a bag of oranges i've had for a while and try juicing them along with some cut pineapple my stepdad sent me home with after our dinner 2 nights ago.
i have this new appliance--the magic bullet--that does everything. my mom would say 'it sews its own clothes'
she bought it for me. she ordered it off of a late night infomercial. for much of this past year she has spent a lot of late night hours awake, and i guess one of those nights her dad was up with her, and she got him to order 2 of them--one for her and eric's house, and one for me. i'm halfway through juicing these things and it hits me---she wanted me to have this because it can potentially do everything for me, in a hurry at that. she ordered it in september, it had been sitting unopened under the kitchen table. i thought it was an empty box.
'you should take that with you today' she tells me one day. 'what is it?' i ask
at first i thought it was funny and one of those things she shouldn't be spending her money on. over the past year she made a lot of unnecessary or exaggerated purchases; things were very confused in her brain. buying things more than once, or things she didn't really need or too many gifts for people---lots of giftbuying.
it's not until i am here alone in this kitchen that i see how useful it really is--something simple that can help me make things for myself. 'magic bullet 10 second recipes' is the name of the cookbook it comes with.
i feel overwhelmed with missing her and sit on the floor and hold myself for a minute. i look up and see the microwave, the toaster--both of which she bought last fall, before i was living at this house. i thought them to be unnecessary---i was staying with her and eric, why did i need my own microwave or toaster? i realize how much i got to doubting her judgment as she got more and more confused. i didn't know then i would be staying on my own and making food for myself in this kitchen. it feels now like she knew that she wouldn't be here for me, but that she could leave me with things--in this case simple appliances--to help me to care for myself.
'are you taking good care of yourself?' this is a popular question i've been asked so much over the past year.
'trying to' is what i usually say. i know that my mom wants me to.
10-28-08
it feels like you've gone on some kind of vacation and i am waiting for you to come home. that is how i feel. like you are gone and i'm not sure exactly where you are but you will be returning...
i keep having these dreams where it hasn't happened yet---you are not well, but you are still here. in the dream i am aware of time passing, of there not being much of it left, but you are still here. i wake up confused of the hour and the day and which part of my life is me dreaming and which is me awake.
it doesn't seem real. nothing feels very real right now. maybe this is me in denial. maybe this is how it always is and i have access to seeing it right now--seeing through reality.
when i think about the idea of never hugging you again i feel like there is this huge hole inside my chest. like the whole grand canyon lives there in my body. you can't see the bottom standing on the top, you can't tell how deep it really is. drop something in and listen really closely for it to land and guess how far down it goes.
i keep having these dreams where it hasn't happened yet---you are not well, but you are still here. in the dream i am aware of time passing, of there not being much of it left, but you are still here. i wake up confused of the hour and the day and which part of my life is me dreaming and which is me awake.
it doesn't seem real. nothing feels very real right now. maybe this is me in denial. maybe this is how it always is and i have access to seeing it right now--seeing through reality.
when i think about the idea of never hugging you again i feel like there is this huge hole inside my chest. like the whole grand canyon lives there in my body. you can't see the bottom standing on the top, you can't tell how deep it really is. drop something in and listen really closely for it to land and guess how far down it goes.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Mama bear
The other night, before I left you sleeping in the bed you had been in since Sunday, I talked to you the way your friends who stopped by talked to you--as if you could hear everything, as if you might respond later somehow. I had been missing you responding to me at all, though.
"Maybe we can talk in my dreams," I said.
As it turned out I fell asleep fine that night next to my friend, but woke up with worry that kept me mostly awake for hours, listening to the birds and the day creeping in, thinking about you going away. I was in and out until I finally got up. Somewhere in my half awake half asleep stage I was riding a bike, and I passed a bear. It was a big deal, as I never see bears in regular life. Maybe I was biking in a city or the suburbs--down a big main street and there was the bear. Sometimes I feel like there is a message in animals I see--both in waking and in sleeping life--so later in the day looked up on-line what bears meant. Among other things I found this:
"...They are devoted mothers, raising and protecting their young from danger, teaching them to forage for food and fish in streams and providing them with all that they need until they are able to care for themselves properly. Mother Bears will fiercely protect her offspring from any harm or threat of harm..."
"Maybe we can talk in my dreams," I said.
As it turned out I fell asleep fine that night next to my friend, but woke up with worry that kept me mostly awake for hours, listening to the birds and the day creeping in, thinking about you going away. I was in and out until I finally got up. Somewhere in my half awake half asleep stage I was riding a bike, and I passed a bear. It was a big deal, as I never see bears in regular life. Maybe I was biking in a city or the suburbs--down a big main street and there was the bear. Sometimes I feel like there is a message in animals I see--both in waking and in sleeping life--so later in the day looked up on-line what bears meant. Among other things I found this:
"...They are devoted mothers, raising and protecting their young from danger, teaching them to forage for food and fish in streams and providing them with all that they need until they are able to care for themselves properly. Mother Bears will fiercely protect her offspring from any harm or threat of harm..."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
gold medals
i think we all want to believe there is some inherent order and goodness to the world. that no part of our struggle--individually or collectively--is meaningless. i think i often look at the world in terms of fairness and balance. often i can see how something terrible can lead into something good---for one person or for a group of people. how suffering can inspire change, new directions, new hope.
i remember when i was younger--maybe pre-teen or so--i watched the olympics one year. they always give all the backstories on the competitors, well the americans anyway. before they got up to skate or do their routine on the bars they'd play some music and tell these often really sad stories: someone recently losing a family member, some kind of accident that got them off track for a while, something really heartbreaking and hard. i remember i would always be hoping the winner would be whoever had the most obstacles to overcome. as if them getting the gold medal somehow tipped the scales back, and brought whatever the tragedy was into a light where things made sense. i would sit there very tense while they competed -'don't let them fall, don't let them fall' i'd say to some unidentified higher power as they did an axle and everyone held their breath. i know they always built up everyone's personal story so we would be more interested in watching how the games turned out. it really worked for me. i wanted to make sure these people--often young, my age or not much older--would have some sort of 'reward' in a way to all their suffering...it brought me comfort when they would win, and be crying and smiling and looking like all was right again.
i find myself thinking about this now and wondering what my stance is on pain, suffering, hard times, and if i still believe there is some sort of universal scale that is capable of achieving any equilibrium. this past year has really left me feeling like i no longer know.
i guess i always thought that a lot in my family didn't work out so well---especially on the dad side of things. i never had much of a relationship with my dad, never trusted him or knew him, or felt loved by him, and my first stepdad, whom i loved to pieces, couldn't be in my life for more than a few years and left me with a lot of sadness i still struggle not to carry anymore. some part of me has made sense of this, of not having a dad, and not having much other family involved in my life either--by the fact that my mom's always been so around, so dependable, and managed to do the job of 2 parents or more. i felt like that is what i got, an extra great mom and it made up for any lack of dad in my life.
right now it looks like she is going to be leaving me. of course it's not that simple, but leaving the world i live in. i feel really hurt, and mad, and it comes out sometimes as being mad at her, and everyone involved in her care up to this point-my total frustrations with the medical system, my current stepdad, everything...but mostly i feel like i am mad at life, the universe, the order of things. the same system i used to be able to find comfort in or turn to. because no matter how i look at the situation, it isn't fair. not only in the way i am involved but to her, to all the people that love her a lot, to her other adopted kid---a good friend of mine who sometimes calls my mom 'mom' as well--who lost their own mom at 10 years old---i can't help but feel like 'there is no justice in this' and like there is nothing that could come later that would set things right again. no perfect landing, no gold medal, nothing that would somehow make me trust there is some sort of system you can count on--that things will never be too hard without being good again.
i want to believe in the goodness of life. it helps when there is lots of this pain and darkness in my life or others. so many things come in opposing pairs--winter/summer, daytime/ nightime--and there is a rhythm to it. i don't know if i am looking too closely to see it or if the rules that apply to nature don't carry over for us when it comes to our hearts. maybe i am looking for a pendulum that swings side to side, that if you watch long enough you can know when it will come back again. maybe i just can't see it right now or maybe it just swings wherever it wants, not concerned with the same sense of balance or fairness i am
i remember when i was younger--maybe pre-teen or so--i watched the olympics one year. they always give all the backstories on the competitors, well the americans anyway. before they got up to skate or do their routine on the bars they'd play some music and tell these often really sad stories: someone recently losing a family member, some kind of accident that got them off track for a while, something really heartbreaking and hard. i remember i would always be hoping the winner would be whoever had the most obstacles to overcome. as if them getting the gold medal somehow tipped the scales back, and brought whatever the tragedy was into a light where things made sense. i would sit there very tense while they competed -'don't let them fall, don't let them fall' i'd say to some unidentified higher power as they did an axle and everyone held their breath. i know they always built up everyone's personal story so we would be more interested in watching how the games turned out. it really worked for me. i wanted to make sure these people--often young, my age or not much older--would have some sort of 'reward' in a way to all their suffering...it brought me comfort when they would win, and be crying and smiling and looking like all was right again.
i find myself thinking about this now and wondering what my stance is on pain, suffering, hard times, and if i still believe there is some sort of universal scale that is capable of achieving any equilibrium. this past year has really left me feeling like i no longer know.
i guess i always thought that a lot in my family didn't work out so well---especially on the dad side of things. i never had much of a relationship with my dad, never trusted him or knew him, or felt loved by him, and my first stepdad, whom i loved to pieces, couldn't be in my life for more than a few years and left me with a lot of sadness i still struggle not to carry anymore. some part of me has made sense of this, of not having a dad, and not having much other family involved in my life either--by the fact that my mom's always been so around, so dependable, and managed to do the job of 2 parents or more. i felt like that is what i got, an extra great mom and it made up for any lack of dad in my life.
right now it looks like she is going to be leaving me. of course it's not that simple, but leaving the world i live in. i feel really hurt, and mad, and it comes out sometimes as being mad at her, and everyone involved in her care up to this point-my total frustrations with the medical system, my current stepdad, everything...but mostly i feel like i am mad at life, the universe, the order of things. the same system i used to be able to find comfort in or turn to. because no matter how i look at the situation, it isn't fair. not only in the way i am involved but to her, to all the people that love her a lot, to her other adopted kid---a good friend of mine who sometimes calls my mom 'mom' as well--who lost their own mom at 10 years old---i can't help but feel like 'there is no justice in this' and like there is nothing that could come later that would set things right again. no perfect landing, no gold medal, nothing that would somehow make me trust there is some sort of system you can count on--that things will never be too hard without being good again.
i want to believe in the goodness of life. it helps when there is lots of this pain and darkness in my life or others. so many things come in opposing pairs--winter/summer, daytime/ nightime--and there is a rhythm to it. i don't know if i am looking too closely to see it or if the rules that apply to nature don't carry over for us when it comes to our hearts. maybe i am looking for a pendulum that swings side to side, that if you watch long enough you can know when it will come back again. maybe i just can't see it right now or maybe it just swings wherever it wants, not concerned with the same sense of balance or fairness i am
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