11-7-08

"I'd rather have had 24 years with an amazing mom than 70 years with a mediocre one"
this is what my friend had said last week and she repeated the sentiment again today as part of the eulogy she wrote.
i had never been to a funeral before today.
i had been to one memorial service for my friend and bandmate who passed away from cancer a few years ago.
this was a funeral in a much more traditional way. a casket, in church. we went to the cemetery. my other friend explained the way it all worked to me.
'i've been to too many of these' she said.
she sat next to me during the service, her eyes full of tears telling me 'if you need to leave at any point, just let me know'
we did end up stepping out at one point, and sat and talked for a while about the service and how it seems even at a funeral its not okay to totally cry and break down.

there was one lady who they took out of the room, she was sort of bent over and saying 'oh god, oh god' over and over and coughing and holding her stomach. i heard her friend tell her 'let it out, let it out' and i was glad that was the advice she was getting. other people fanned her, brought her water and tissues.
i feel like so much of our society, of the culture i grew up in particularly, is afraid of the sadness they feel, and i've inherited this myself.
i find myself afraid of opening a door that as soon as i do i imagine will never close again. it's hard to imagine that feeling will just pass through me or out of me.

i notice all the physical reactions my body has been experiencing lately---
hard to breathe, feeling hot, feeling shaky, light headed, foggy headed, unreal. feeling my heart is skipping out of beat ( which it does ) or just too fast or like it is just aching, almost like there is a hole in the middle of it.
i'm exhausted in a way i am recognizing as emotional exhaustion. sometimes its hard to tell if sleep even helps it at all.