8-13

tonight is my first night alone in this house.
i moved in a few of my things, but it is still mostly not my space yet.
on sunday 2 carloads of friends are coming to help me organize this place.
it feels like a huge task---i am lucky so many people want to help me. feels like every surface is covered with things. it's like a whole flea market exploded inside this house---cool treasures, fun things, stuff from the past that doesn't quite have a place in the present.

i had this memory as i walked into the house of being 5 years old and getting my first tetanus shot. my memory of my childhood is pretty terrible, but this stands out because the whole thing hurt so much afterwards and i remember being told i wouldn't have to get another one until i was ten and i felt so relieved.
'by then i'll be so big' i thought to myself 'and i won't be scared and it won't hurt'
ten felt so far away. it would be a whole other me who would come back into the office for that shot and i'd be all grown up. i had nothing to worry about.
i don't remember the specifics of the next shot i got but i do remember thinking 'wait, i don't feel that much bigger or stronger, i'm still scared of how much it's going to hurt' somehow ten wasn't as different than 5 as i thought.
it's like that now---i'm 30, and i don't feel ready to be dealing with what is happening in my life. i'm not going to get any bigger and it's hard to know how it would feel to be 60 and taking care of my mom, but that is more how i imagined things going.
here i am in the this big strange house that doesn't smell familiar that is in a town where i hardly know anyone and most of my experiences in have to do with tragic things happening.

i talked to a friend of a friend on the phone who is a little older than me and whose mom passed a few years ago. she said something like 'you can deal with this' and i immediately thought 'you don't even know me---how would you know what i can deal with?' it was a nice thing for her to say. she meant it to be comforting of course but this feels like the ultimate of tests or challenges.

she told me how she curled up in the bed with her mom her last few days and how much better her life is now than it was before her mom was sick. how she knows how to love and be in relationships with other people in a way she didn't before all that happened. there is a lot of light in her voice and it sounds like she is really content. will that happen to me? is this the only way for that to happen? aren't there smaller things that can help me feel content and love really well? i didn't think i was doing so bad before all this happened...i don't feel like i need such a huge situation to gain that kind of insight...but it is comforting to hear someone find positive things out of such hard times.

i'm going to put sheets on the bed now---the bed is mine, that is familiar and right now i'm glad that it's here as something solid and mine in the middle of an unfamiliar room.