it was a really great class. i can't say i could go out and charge people for a psychic reading, but it felt really good to be in the class. we've kept in touch, and i decided to get myself a session for my birthday. partly because i turned 30 and it felt like some sort of important life marker and partly because i have felt so lost i decided to seek out all the help i could get.
when i got around to asking her about my family, she paused for a minute, then asked 'is there a new baby in the family? i'm seeing a baby crying'
'no' i told her, thinking for a minute---i would be the most likely of my family to be having a baby as i'm the right age for it, and there is definitely no plan of that happening.
today my mom, stepdad and my mom's sister went to annapolis for the day. the plan was to eat sushi, sit by the water, maybe do some window shopping. recently my stepdad got my mom a wheelchair, and she has been using it more and more in place of her walker. i worry she is moving even less, but also glad she can go more places and i decide i'll be the one to push her around for the day. the chair tends towards the right, and sometimes there are bumps in the sidewalks we get caught on and my mom grumbles but mostly i have it under control.
traveling down the street, we pass a lot of people. i cross an intersection, making sure there is enough time to get me and mom across safely, and coming the other direction is a tall shaven headed guy maybe in his 30's pushing a baby stroller. it is this strange moment--the two of us passing each other in the middle of the road, continuing on our way. he probably thought nothing of it, but it occured to me that he could be me, this wheelchair could be a stroller and no one would think twice about us on the street. there would be no curious or sad glances from strangers at restaurants or as they kindly hold a door for us at a store. people would smile and probably ask about and say cute things to the baby as people tend to do. it's strange the divide that i feel. maybe that dad is miserable and hates pushing that baby around, who knows, but i guess i think he might be really happy and proud with that stroller in front of him.
i do often have this feeling of being a parent. and i'm old enough to be, certainly, i have friends with kids and all and by the time my mom was 30 i was about 6 years old. but i never felt i was the right kind of person to have a kid. mainly i'm not convinced i really know how to care for myself well enough or give up enough of my own time and space to truly be a good parent. so i sort of wrote it off as an option, instead focusing on me and who i am, who i'm becoming, what i want to do, who i want to be with, etc. and that seems to take a whole lot of energy. now a lot of that is on hold most of the times. i'm often up in the middle of the night if my mom is stirring. i get her some food, i help her get her pants on and off in the bathroom, i put a blanket on her, take a blanket off of her, put it back on again later. i have to make sure i have all her stuff when we leave the house, and plan ahead with snacks or changes of clothes or things like that. i've never had to be so alert with someone else, including i guess myself. making sure she is safe, fed, warm, etc. it's strange because it does feel like a new baby in the family but i don't really feel like a grown up. i'm playing the part better and better but there is still a lot that is so new.
and she is this grown up, too young to be an old person needing help, and too old to have to be treated like a kid. it's all such a strange shift.
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