Eric usually gives the pills in the morning, but forgot today. So it's my job to get her caught up. She is sleeping and I hate to wake her but feel like it's better just to get it over and done with.
She makes a bit of a face, but swallows them down pretty quickly.
"You can now resume your morning nap," I say.
She catches me off guard with her reply, poking fun of herself,"you may now resume your slug-like behavior"
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
let's keep moving
We went out for lunch to our usual place after mom's acupuncture appointments. It's a chain place in a small shopping center with other chain stores, a dry cleaners and a place that sells lotto tickets. After we finish, I push her back to the car figuring she will want to head home. She's been really tired lately, though the acupuncture gave her enough energy to come here for lunch. It's a beautiful fall day and I think of asking her if she'd like to stop by a lake to feed some ducks ( something she asks to do on days she has more energy ) I start putting our things in the car and ask her what she'd like to do now.
"Push me around for a while"
"You want me to push you around?"
I look at where we are---the middle of a parking lot edged by a small sidewalk, a circle of stores around us. My first thoughts are how we should leave here-it's boring, concrete, ugly--and go to the lake, be out in nature, it's the perfect day for it. We we could be hearing ducks and geese and the wind in the trees instead of cars pulling in and out of spaces and people chatting with each other. But getting in at out of the car is such a task, and if she is not ready, the lake is not an option. So I close up the car, undo the brakes and start pushing.
She seems to like to be in motion sometimes, it doesn't seem important where we are going or if we are going anywhere at all, it's more about moving. She gets antsy at restuarants when she's done eating or sometimes even before the food comes. She often asks to be wheeled outside and that is enough to get her to relax for a while.
So we go back to the sidewalk. It's such a beautiful day out, I start wondering how important it is where we are---the sun is so nice, and though she doesn't say anything about it, I guess that it feels good just to be out in it. The big open space of the shopping center works well for feeling the sun and maybe that is more healing than I'm giving it credit. I wheel her up and down the sidewalk a few times, wondering if people outside for lunch notice we aren't really going anywhere, just doing laps from one end of the stores to another. I take her behind the stores, where there are trash bins and back doors and and other than the occasional person stepping out from them to set something out, it's completely quiet, and it's just us. I think 'this is quite a scene, the two of us back here, not coming or going from anywhere, just wandering, wheel chair and all' I feel like I'm in some slow movie where nothing much is happening, we are moving through the still frame, no dialogue. I still find myself thinking about the lake, about how it would be 'better' how she should be somewhere really special and beautiful. I look at mom and she has her eyes closed; it isn't a concern of hers how pretty the landscape is. She just wants to be warm and moving.
We keep this up for maybe an hour and a half, I lose track of time going in circles, retracing our path a few times. I keep looking to find somewhere 'prettier' nearby to go, but it's too hard to cross the street cause of traffic, to go up a big hill that would be needed, and there isn't much around us anyway besides other buildings, so circling the shopping center it is.
At least two times I take us back to the car, ask her if she is ready to go, but she isn't.
"In a bit" she says "Just push me around a little more"
This is the kind of day she barely says more than that to me, and she seems in a state between awake and asleep. I feel lucky to be spending time outside, thinking of friends stuck in offices and how that could be me and how the previous day mom didn't leave the house at all. So really we are doing pretty well, I think, we are moving, even if we are not going anywhere.
"Push me around for a while"
"You want me to push you around?"
I look at where we are---the middle of a parking lot edged by a small sidewalk, a circle of stores around us. My first thoughts are how we should leave here-it's boring, concrete, ugly--and go to the lake, be out in nature, it's the perfect day for it. We we could be hearing ducks and geese and the wind in the trees instead of cars pulling in and out of spaces and people chatting with each other. But getting in at out of the car is such a task, and if she is not ready, the lake is not an option. So I close up the car, undo the brakes and start pushing.
She seems to like to be in motion sometimes, it doesn't seem important where we are going or if we are going anywhere at all, it's more about moving. She gets antsy at restuarants when she's done eating or sometimes even before the food comes. She often asks to be wheeled outside and that is enough to get her to relax for a while.
So we go back to the sidewalk. It's such a beautiful day out, I start wondering how important it is where we are---the sun is so nice, and though she doesn't say anything about it, I guess that it feels good just to be out in it. The big open space of the shopping center works well for feeling the sun and maybe that is more healing than I'm giving it credit. I wheel her up and down the sidewalk a few times, wondering if people outside for lunch notice we aren't really going anywhere, just doing laps from one end of the stores to another. I take her behind the stores, where there are trash bins and back doors and and other than the occasional person stepping out from them to set something out, it's completely quiet, and it's just us. I think 'this is quite a scene, the two of us back here, not coming or going from anywhere, just wandering, wheel chair and all' I feel like I'm in some slow movie where nothing much is happening, we are moving through the still frame, no dialogue. I still find myself thinking about the lake, about how it would be 'better' how she should be somewhere really special and beautiful. I look at mom and she has her eyes closed; it isn't a concern of hers how pretty the landscape is. She just wants to be warm and moving.
We keep this up for maybe an hour and a half, I lose track of time going in circles, retracing our path a few times. I keep looking to find somewhere 'prettier' nearby to go, but it's too hard to cross the street cause of traffic, to go up a big hill that would be needed, and there isn't much around us anyway besides other buildings, so circling the shopping center it is.
At least two times I take us back to the car, ask her if she is ready to go, but she isn't.
"In a bit" she says "Just push me around a little more"
This is the kind of day she barely says more than that to me, and she seems in a state between awake and asleep. I feel lucky to be spending time outside, thinking of friends stuck in offices and how that could be me and how the previous day mom didn't leave the house at all. So really we are doing pretty well, I think, we are moving, even if we are not going anywhere.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
matching tattoos
i was putting a blanket on her and she scrunched up her forehead and asked
"did we already talk about tattoos?"
"tattoos?" i asked.
mom-i want to make an appt with carla to touch up my tattoo
q-ok...
mom-and i might want to get another one
q-another one? really? what of?
mom-one like your mom tattoo with the birds and the banner
q-will it say 'mom' as well?
mom-no, it would have your name
q-my name?
i actually already sort of knew about this cause i saw one of her late night notes to herself written in orange sharpie sitting on a table yesterday that mentioned tattoo ideas and it had my name near it and i thought to myself "she isnt thinking to get MY name tattooed on her shoulder is she? that would be nuts"
q-it would say "q?"
i guess i was thinking "adrian" ...what do you think?
"q" is less letters, it would hurt less
arline, my mom's mother, is sitting at the table nearby. she pipes in "maybe you should talk to your nurse first..."
yesterday the hospice nurse charlotte dug through drawers in our house to find special no-stick bandages and tape because she was afriad of how fragile my mom's skin is and she didn't want to redress her recent skin tear with the big band aid type thing she had. she was even afraid to remove the current dressing and went scavanging for some sort of adhesive remover we didn't have. in the meantime, my mom's dad who doesn't hear so well and didn't know what she was looking for, gently pulled it off.
but it is a little nuts to think my mom is too fragile for a regular band-aid but she wants to go get a brand new tattoo.
i add 'tattoo' to the board eric has started for her that's labeled "elaine's short term memory"
2 items down from where it says "memorial planning"
and i think, what does it mean that she is thinking about doing something so permanent to her skin? most recently her and eric have been talking about her memorial service and he recently found a place that does cremation and they've had discussions about that...do these things go together in her head? does she not realize the contradicion? does she not need to? it's confusing to say the least
i add it, i think how eric i'm sure would think it crazy to drive 2 and some hours to philly to get her tattoo touched up slightly and for her to get a brand new one at that
mom-i also want to get a maple rabbit
q-a maple rabbit? what do you mean?
mom-like your band
q- do you mean the word "maple rabbit" or a rabbit that looks like stuff we make???
mom-like you and molly
q-oh
i look at my elbow
q-this rabbit?
mom-mmm hmm
q-does that mean you are going to be part of the band?
mom-well i guess that part would be up to you
shes been so much funnier lately, playful, more relaxed. i wonder what it is that's allowing her to do so. i love it, i love her.
my ipod shuffle finds itself playing 2pacs "mama" on my way back to my house and i don't feel sad like i think i will, i feel really grateful today. for her and for any lightness she may be feeling, even if it's only for today.
"did we already talk about tattoos?"
"tattoos?" i asked.
mom-i want to make an appt with carla to touch up my tattoo
q-ok...
mom-and i might want to get another one
q-another one? really? what of?
mom-one like your mom tattoo with the birds and the banner
q-will it say 'mom' as well?
mom-no, it would have your name
q-my name?
i actually already sort of knew about this cause i saw one of her late night notes to herself written in orange sharpie sitting on a table yesterday that mentioned tattoo ideas and it had my name near it and i thought to myself "she isnt thinking to get MY name tattooed on her shoulder is she? that would be nuts"
q-it would say "q?"
i guess i was thinking "adrian" ...what do you think?
"q" is less letters, it would hurt less
arline, my mom's mother, is sitting at the table nearby. she pipes in "maybe you should talk to your nurse first..."
yesterday the hospice nurse charlotte dug through drawers in our house to find special no-stick bandages and tape because she was afriad of how fragile my mom's skin is and she didn't want to redress her recent skin tear with the big band aid type thing she had. she was even afraid to remove the current dressing and went scavanging for some sort of adhesive remover we didn't have. in the meantime, my mom's dad who doesn't hear so well and didn't know what she was looking for, gently pulled it off.
but it is a little nuts to think my mom is too fragile for a regular band-aid but she wants to go get a brand new tattoo.
i add 'tattoo' to the board eric has started for her that's labeled "elaine's short term memory"
2 items down from where it says "memorial planning"
and i think, what does it mean that she is thinking about doing something so permanent to her skin? most recently her and eric have been talking about her memorial service and he recently found a place that does cremation and they've had discussions about that...do these things go together in her head? does she not realize the contradicion? does she not need to? it's confusing to say the least
i add it, i think how eric i'm sure would think it crazy to drive 2 and some hours to philly to get her tattoo touched up slightly and for her to get a brand new one at that
mom-i also want to get a maple rabbit
q-a maple rabbit? what do you mean?
mom-like your band
q- do you mean the word "maple rabbit" or a rabbit that looks like stuff we make???
mom-like you and molly
q-oh
i look at my elbow
q-this rabbit?
mom-mmm hmm
q-does that mean you are going to be part of the band?
mom-well i guess that part would be up to you
shes been so much funnier lately, playful, more relaxed. i wonder what it is that's allowing her to do so. i love it, i love her.
my ipod shuffle finds itself playing 2pacs "mama" on my way back to my house and i don't feel sad like i think i will, i feel really grateful today. for her and for any lightness she may be feeling, even if it's only for today.
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